I sometimes feel so completely inadequate to the task of parenthood. While it seems that some take to the role like a duck to water, I battle with it. It has nothing to do with love I don’t think. I love my daughters more than anything else I have ever loved. I struggle though with ego. My daughters’ behaviour, occasionally completely unfathomable, bumps against my sense of self. Against how I think my daughters, well brought up little girls obviously, should behave. Am I so wrapped up in myself that I unable to respond to these creatures as children? My immediate response to behaviour which, for an adult at least, is totally outlandish seems to be irritation rather than amusement.
I understand so much better now the guilt that goes with parenting. Rationally the muddy print on the white sofa is irrelevant. It was put there by a careless hand in the course of play. The sofa will wash and, if it doesn’t, does it really matter? Instinctively, however, it presses all of my buttons; I don’t behave like that, have they no respect for property, I look after my things, why can’t they show the same care? It’s nonsense of course and I thought that I would develop a greater level of tolerance as the girls grew. The reverse seems to be the case. I thought that they would show greater care and become more adult long before they could or should, and the fact that they haven’t, which I am grateful for, ironically makes me possibly more intolerant than ever before.
This evening my 4 (and a half) year old was messing around and didn’t come through to have her teeth brushed until I yelled. When she arrived she was still fiddling with something and so, rather than display the patience and care that a 42 year old should with someone as young as she is, I descended into the arena. Holding her tightly between my knees I brushed teeth vigorously, deaf to yells and tears. When the ordeal was over she went running to mum explaining how Daddy had hurt her. I feel like a cad. It is like this that we wound ourselves. She is over it and we kissed goodnight very sweetly, but I wish that I could find some regular way of avoiding these incidents. Life isn’t always about discipline.
deepblueoranges 